Counter-Bingos 16-20
Tuesday, 26 May 2009 07:06
16. They say that a woman’s chances of getting cancer go up if you don’t have kids by the time you’re 30.
Well now, to me, that seems like yet another selfish reason to have kids. When my child asks me one day “Mommy, why did you have me?” (and it CAN happen…I know…I asked my parents that quite a bit), I can answer truthfully “honey, I had you so I would reduce my chances of getting cancer.” Hmmm, not quite the fairy tale scenario you imagined? (Here’s where you say “well you wouldn’t SAY that to the child” and I reply “Oh, so you want me to lie to my child[ren]?)
In my opinion, a lot of the medical studies are inconclusive and the message we receive is strictly dependent on the spin the deliverer wants to put on it. Seriously, they still can't agree if artificial sweeteners are harmful or not, and they've been doing studies on that for DECADES. So, I'm not convinced that this medical theory holds much water either. Some studies show that taking birth control pills lowers certain cancer risks. Some studies show that childless men have a lower risk of prostate cancer.
My mom had four kids when she got cancer (three of which she had while she was in her 20s)…and we had no family history of cancer. So I guess that punches holes in the "having kids may prevent you from getting cancer" argument.
17. Think of all the wonderful moments and memories you’ll be missing out on. (Also known as the “you don’t know what you’re missing” argument.)
Well now, that’s something I didn’t know: if I don’t have kids, I don’t get wonderful moments and memories. Boy, if only I’d read the fine print…
The truth of the matter is that, yes, childfree people will miss out on some things, both good and bad (diaper changing, temper tantrums, the joy of seeing the kid’s eyes light up when they first see the ocean or open their Christmas presents). But, the truth of the matter is that the argument doesn’t end there. Parents will also miss out on some things (being able to take really nice [quiet, romantic, not kid-centered] vacations without breaking the bank, completing home improvement projects before retirement, less financial strain, experiencing the simple joys of peace and quiet, having a calm household, devoting more time and effort toward your spouse and friends, having more energy and time to do the things you enjoy, being able to sleep in, volunteering to help others). It’s a tradeoff.
18. It’s a natural stage in life. A child completes you.
Just because we CAN reproduce, doesn’t mean we MUST. We also have the ability to clone human beings but it doesn’t mean we are obligated to do so. Same argument.
As for the “completion” argument, I don’t feel I’m incomplete without a child. I felt incomplete before I met my husband. But he completed me. So, now I’m no longer incomplete. (I wonder if, perhaps, as people evolve, those who have a desire for children are truly missing something in their genetic makeup that only children will satisfy. Perhaps the rest of us have that “something” and no longer feel incomplete without kids. Perhaps we’re the next generation of humans. Or perhaps people are just pre-programmed with this animal instinct to reproduce…and some of us do not wish to be controlled by biological urges because we realize that it may not be the right choice for us or for the planet.)
19. Having a child makes you a better person.
Really? How? What’s that you say? It makes you think of others and less of yourself? Actually, no, it doesn’t. If you’re a good parent, having a child makes you think of that child. Thinking of your own child does not make you a “better person.” It MAY POSSIBLY make you a bit more responsible than you once were (but since I have NO problems with taking/accepting responsibility, I don’t see the benefit for me here). In reality, parents usually become so focused on the new child that all concern and consideration for other human beings goes right out the window. So, I can say with confidence that having a child does NOT make you a better person. While we all have things to learn, I can find other less-impacting ways to learn them.
20. You’ll regret not having them. (or “I know someone who didn’t have kids and regretted it when they got older.”)
Why? Because I’ll miss out on 1) the joys of parenthood, 2) the love of a child, 3) being “complete”, and/or 4) my future caregivers? I think we already covered that (see #17, #14, #18, and #4, respectively).
I think the “regret” that people believe they are seeing is actually the natural human response to wonder what they are missing (what I like to call “the road not taken” syndrome). Childfree people might wonder what it would be like (or would have been like) to have children of their own. Childed people might wonder what their lives would have been like without children (if they can find enough time to sit down in solitude for any length of time and really give it some thought, instead of jumping right into the pre-programmed “I can’t imagine life without my kids, nor would I want to” response). It doesn’t mean we long for the road not taken…we’re just curious about it. And wondering about the road not taken does not automatically equate to regret.
(By the way, I’ve made a solid decision to live my life with NO regrets. I won’t mourn what I can’t change. I tend to research my major decisions thoroughly and come to a logical conclusion that I can live with because it makes sense to me. So I just have to do the best with the informed decisions I make…and I’m happy with that.)
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