What is Beauty?

Written by Tyler Szymanski Tuesday, 11 November 2008 22:21

So during a few days off, as I made my rounds at a few pre-chosen locations, I came to a discovery. Raising a child is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. The look that crosses a father's face as a little girl throws herself into his arms. A mother's smile as her child discovers the wonderment in a park squirrel. Hearing the sound in my sister's voice as she explains the latest success in potty training. So I have been won over.... I'm caught.... raising a child is beautiful.

It was somewhat of a troubling realization to be made. That I could find so much happiness and beauty in such simple acts made me question my own decisions in life. Was I making the right choices? Did I make some great mistake that is going to haunt my dreams for all days?

A stupor set in, and I wandered about aimlessly for the afternoon. I wandered into an art studio in downtown Sacramento. I meandered through rooms filled with modern masterpieces that I hope to be able to afford one day. A contemporary piece caught my eye, and I strayed from my path to take a closer look. It stole the breath from me, and it was some time before I realized that I had lost several minutes admiring it. I won't go into the piece itself, for I feel that mind will wander yet again, and these pages will be filled with a description of art, rather than the purpose I am reaching for.

I walked away from the studio, with a silent promise to one day give the world as much beauty as that piece of art held, in a much improved mood. I sat down on a nearby bench, sharing it with a young couple and an infant struggling to get away, although I'm not quite sure where he would have gone. I expanded upon my earlier realization. It wasn't simply that my heart was touched by the beauty that these children draw from their parents, I was simply touched by the beauty of things.

But there is another side of things that I cannot quite accept. And I think that is what makes me different in a world full of parents and children. I do love the beauty of raising children, but because of that, I can't stomach the ugliness. Seeing that smiling parent with so much joy in his eyes wither away and turn cold as a tantrum is thrown saddens me. Watching a mother's heart shatter as her child says, "I don't love you," even if only out of anger. These are simply things that I can not stand.

I thought back to that painting and asked myself if I could stand idly by and see it destroyed. I don't think I could. I don't know how I would respond if someone threatened that beauty on a personal level, or if it was simply forgotten in a dark attic somewhere being eaten by moths.

Maybe I'm not strong enough to accept both sides of the coin. I truly understand the joy that would come from raising children, at least part of the time. But the pain I see during the times that the coin is flipped is too much for me to bear. I love the beauty, like nothing other, but because of that love, I'm too afraid to see what happens.

 

 

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