A Testing Time

Written by bluemoo212 Tuesday, 16 February 2010 16:41

I don’t know about you, but I grew up believing in lifelong friendship. Friendships are relationships like any other. There will be disagreements, misunderstandings and rocky patches, but I always thought if the friendship was a good one, I would be willing to put in the work.

So when my friends started trying to have babies, I was supportive. I figured it was important to them and they were entitled to my backing. Sure, I was worried because I don’t like kids, nor do I like entitled parents wheeling their prams along the pavement like they’re practising for Formula One. But my friends would never behave like that, I was sure of it. And I was willing to make an effort to be child-friendly for my friends.

This was surprisingly easy - at the start. A couple of my friends had properly cute babies, and quiet ones to boot. Their teeny tiny features were interesting to me and they were lovely to cuddle. They sat quietly in their cribs while my friends chatted away as normal. My dad joked that these babies knew better than to cry or puke at my house. But I was genuinely pleased that their arrival had caused so little hassle in my friendships.

Later on I learned something. Newborn babies can be – if their parents are lucky – remarkably peaceful individuals. But many are not, and one friend even contacted me when her child reached six months, to say “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. All I remember after the baby was born is a constant screaming hell.” These are the parents who are understandably unable to cope with visits or visitors, and when they take it in turns to take care of their baby, any spare time available to the off-duty parent is taken up by essential matters - like catching up on sleep.

But I hadn’t expected the obstacles to friendship to carry on so long after the screaming phase has finished. In some cases, I have found myself wondering what happened to the erudite, sophisticated friend I once knew. The “conversations” I found myself having with new parents were truly baffling. I find it hard to care that your daughter loves Iggle Piggle, and you certainly don’t need to tell me in detail which is her favourite. I cannot get excited that your son recognises the tune of Old MacDonald. When he accidentally balances a cup on his head for a millisecond, I do not see it as mark of genius. But as a friend, I nod along as if I am interested.

And as these babies have become six months, twelve months, or eighteen months old, I find my patience increasingly tested. These formerly sweet little bundles are now crawling everywhere at high speed, emitting high-pitched screams that would beat the average car alarm - and putting everything in their mouth and offering it back to you. “You’re supposed to take it from him,” said one friend while I shook my head gently at the toddler who had just proferred a saliva-sodden gift. The same friend had told me the previous week that he “seemed to be getting a lot of colds these days.” Rocket science, anyone?

Then there’s the dreaded “mummy stage”. Well, I dread it anyway. This seems to involve the child bursting into loud wails as soon as mummy disappears from their line of vision. So when mummy is in the bathroom, your only company is the screamer, and if you have been foolish enough to go out in public during this stage, people will stare disapprovingly at you and tut-tut at your apparent inability to soothe “your” baby!

Factor in the more icky issues involved in friendship with a parent. An unlucky CF colleague was involved in a dinner party where a child got ill rather suddenly; she says that she never wants to go out with the childed again and I don’t blame her. And as I know from experience, the first time you realise there are soiled diapers in your household trash is certainly a moment to doubt your good intentions. If you are a parent yourself, you expect the ick factor. When it’s nothing to do with you, there’s no way to find humour in the situation. I say that without a trace of a smile on my face; I'm still feeling sorry for my CF colleague.

My older friends keep telling me it will get better – as the kids grow up, their parents will be less obsessed with them. But that is a long time to wait. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still willing to stand by them and be their friend. But we will see each other less often - and not just because they’re busy. It’s because I’m busy and very short on the number of days I’m willing to give up for a noisy/demanding/icky/all of the above child and a parent who seems to have dropped a few IQ points. I really hope these friendships last and I will do what I can do to go the distance.

But it’s great to find this board and find some new friends who won’t be inflicting this particular test on our friendship.

Share your experiences in The Childfree Life forums!

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